Mass Effect 2: Aftermath
by Meeka Mars
Summary: With the Normandy destroyed, Kaidan deals with his grief over Shepard and later with the rumors of her survival. Companion piece to Missing Moments along with Doubts and Heartaches, though can be read separately. In Progress
1. Aftermath

Aftermath: Aftermath

"Lieutenant, please sit down. We need to check you for…"

"I'm fine," Kaidan impatiently waved the off the alliance nurse. "Really, I don't have a scratch on me."

"But the trauma from the attack," she began again trying to settle the soldier back on the table so she could do a proper scan. However, Kaidan wouldn't be deterred. He gently forced his way past her to the med bay doors.

"I need to find the Commander. I'll come back after if it's that important."

All he wanted was to make sure Shepard was okay. While the locating beacon on the cockpit's escape pod worked fine, they couldn't raise communications to it. For all he knew, she and Joker could be seriously injured… or worse. No, he didn't want to think about that. She was fine. Shepard had survived the attack on Elysium, numerous battles with the geth, not to mention that final confrontation with Saren and the fallout of the Reaper in the Citadel Tower. She had to survive this.

Kaidan felt at ease making his way through the Tokyo. He'd toured plenty of these types of frigates before being stationed on the Normandy and even once served on this particular ship for a few months between a couple of his posts. Quickly, he made his way to the aft cargo hold where the Alliance ended up having to put the pods for decontamination and extraction. Some of the crew were still being ushered in. Everyone was supposed to report to the med bay for examination and injury treatment.

Many of the crew that made it were only mildly hurt with scrapes and superficial burns. It was a testament to Joker's intuition and Shepard's quick evacuation orders that so much of the crew had survived the complete destruction of the Normandy. He chuckled softly to himself as he passed Wrex not five meters from the med bay. The krogan had incited a great deal of distress among some of the rescue team by not 'fully cooperating' in their attempts to get him to medical for a proper inspection and three of them surrendered to trying to scan him with their omni-tools for injuries as he paced about.

Garrus seemed to have suffered a blow to the head. He held a packet of what looked like ice to a bandage on his head, but appeared otherwise fine. He sat across the long haul, taking obvious amusement from the debacle of Wrex and the poor Alliance soldiers that were attending him. As Kaidan passed, they nodded in silent recognition of each other. Liara was not far past the turian. She stood apart from the rest of the crew and even the rescue team, not knowing what to do with herself. She wasn't injured at all and Kaidan felt a slight pang of guilt at his unfounded previous jealousy when she had first come on board. For at the moment she looked all the part of a lost child rather than the asari seductress he believe she could be back then.

Tali thankfully also appeared fine since he wasn't sure the Alliance had the equipment that would have been necessary to treat her had she been injured. Though it did look like she had patched up her enviro-suit in a couple spots, her calm demeanor suggested that she had the matter well under control. She stood near Engineer Adams while he waited in line to the med bay for treatment. He looked worse off than most of the rest of the crew that Kaidan had seen, Adams was favoring a leg and holding his arm awkwardly, but he still managed a slight smile as Kaidan passed.

His thoughts quickly turned dim though as he remembered the bodies they left behind. He remembered Ensign Draven, as she was caught in an explosion while they were evacuating, Corporal Bakari's body lifeless in the hall as he ran to find Shepard. Most of them had made it off the Normandy in time, but some… they'd have to do a casualty count later to assess the damage. Shepard wouldn't be looking forward to that. It was hard enough losing Jenkins and Ashley. How many others would they be missing now?

Dr. Chakwas had been with him when they arrived and he could see her now as he turned the bend, already hard at work to help treat injuries as their crew mates were received on board. As he neared her, he realized she was treating Joker, who on the outside appeared to be fine. At least to Kaidan, it didn't look like Joker had faired too badly in the evacuation considering his disease. But the expression on his face was terrible. His eyes rimmed with red and his teeth gritted in pain. It was obvious he'd been crying.

"Joker, where's the Commander? Is she alright? I haven't seen her," Kaidan started. He tried to go easy on him since it looked like Jeff wasn't in the best of shape. He held one arm gingerly as Chakwas went over him with her omni-tool and applied a bit of medi-gel here and there. Joker's looked up at him, his face told Kaidan everything before he even spoke the words.

"The Commander… didn't make it."

The blow from the words hit him hard in the chest. He couldn't breathe. "What do you mean she didn't make it?"

"She got me in the pod and then… there was an explosion." Joker shook his head sadly. "Shepard hit the release for the pod before… before she got spaced." Tears started flowing freely from Joker's eyes and he hung his head in his grief. If it weren't for the sincerity of Joker's reaction, he wouldn't have believed Shepard was gone. No… he couldn't believe she was gone.

"No…" Kaidan's voice was barely audible. His fists clenched and his expression turned furious as he yelled. "NO!"

Chakwas was holding him tightly before he knew what had happened, her arms stronger than he thought they would have been. Crates, equipment, and even a few of the people nearby crashed back down to the floor and he realized that he'd lost control. Chakwas had held him in order to keep him from using his biotic powers from hurting someone. He pinched the bridge of his nose, his head swimming, heart pounding.

"I'm okay," he whispered to her despondently. Chakwas looked up at him and let him go, watching the lieutenant warily. She knew Kaidan was the type to bury his feelings, or at the very least, to not let other people know just how he felt. And she was sure that would be worse for his health than if he broke down. She wished he would, if for nothing more than to let himself bear his grief normally. But his pained expression and quiet demeanor demonstrated just how stoically he'd bear his heartache.

"Kaidan," Jeff gasped guiltily. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! It was my fault. If I hadn't…"

"It wasn't your fault, Joker," Kaidan found himself calming the pilot despite the overwhelming pressure in his chest and the migraine that was starting to hammer at his temples. His eyes filled with tears but he pushed them back. "Shepard would never want you to think it was your fault."

"But I wouldn't leave! If I had just… If I left when she ordered the evac…," Joker broke down again, sobbing. Kaidan wanted to do the same. Instead he sat next to his friend and rested a steady hand gently on his shoulder. Joker couldn't look at him, ashamed of himself. Kaidan simply sat there with him, letting his own grief out partially through his friend. It was easier to watch Joker as he cried; easier than crying himself.

"You didn't do anything wrong. And you saved a lot of people today. Shepard would be proud," Kaidan told him, trying to imagine what Shepard would say if she were here now instead of him. He expected Shepard would have told him that he did everything he could, that she would say _we'll do better next time_. He tried to comfort Joker, like she did for him when Ash died. "It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not!" Joker yelled back. "She's _dead_, Kaidan! Shepard's dead because of me!"

Kaidan's heart fell. Shepard would have told him it's okay and take that responsibility from him. Because she was the Commander. Shepard never treated it like it was just her job or her title; she lived it, because that was the kind of person she was. Kaidan sighed, wishing she was here instead of him. Wishing she had let him go get Joker when the Normandy was falling apart around them. Shepard was better at this than he was. The crew needed her, not him.

"Jeff, you know Shepard would never see it that way," Kaidan started. "She saved you. Not because it was her duty as a Commander, but because it was her honor as a friend. Remember that."

"Yeah, okay," Joker finally replied miserably, wiping his tears with his good arm. "I just…" Jeff choked on his own words. "I wish she was still here. I wish I hadn't waited."

"You gave the rest of the crew the time we needed to make it off the ship, Joker. Without you, we would have all been lost with the Normandy," Kaidan added.

"Maybe," Jeff replied, wiping his eyes again. After he took in a few shaky breaths he looked at the lieutenant. Though only a couple of the crew knew about Shepard and Kaidan before the attack on the Citadel, most of them knew about it in the weeks following. It just made Joker feel worse, knowing that Kaidan was comforting him instead of the other way around. "Kaidan…"

"Yeah, Joker?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Kaidan just patted his shoulder softly and Joker felt his heart break for his friend. He hadn't shed a tear. Joker wanted to tell him that it was okay to cry, that no one would think any less of him for crying, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Instead he watched his friend. Kaidan's face was stern, his eyes tired and listless, but something wasn't quite right. Something was missing. Seeing him like this, Joker realized that Kaidan had lost more than a friend, more than a lover; he'd lost a piece of himself. He could already see a bit of the lieutenant disappear. Something in Kaidan died with Shepard.

"Kaidan," Chakwas called gently after finishing what she could do to help Joker. Her voice seemed so far away. "Kaidan, I need you to look at me."

A light flashed in Kaidan's eyes and he recoiled slightly. He couldn't stay here. Not like this. Chakwas tried to get him to focus on something, but he just couldn't. She was saying something. Something about Shepard and he knew he should have been listening, but he couldn't concentrate on the words. A ringing in his head drowned out the doctor's voice, then Joker's voice. They were trying to tell him something, but the rest faded into the background. He felt numb all over. Unconsciously, he caught her hand as she tried to comfort him, gently pushing her aside as he got up and dragged himself away from the crew and the rescue team. Now if only he could drag himself away from his grief.


	2. The Day After

Aftermath: The Day After

"Kaidan. Go. Now."

Her orders ripped at his heart. He couldn't let her go alone to save Joker. Somehow he knew something horrible would happen if she went alone. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that she wouldn't come back if he didn't stop her. She was his Commander; going against her orders was mutiny. But he'd broken regs once for her, and he'd do it again if it meant saving her life.

"No! I'm coming with you!"

"That's an order, Lieutenant!" Shepard shouted back at him over her shoulder. She didn't want him to help her. Why didn't she want him to help her?

"I can't let you leave!" Kaidan cried out to her.

"Get the hell out of here, Kaidan!" Shepard turned around and waved an insistent arm at him. Kaidan felt his chest constrict. Something was wrong. He couldn't let her leave. He couldn't let her do this by herself.

"No!" Kaidan yelled back. Something itched in his mind. She couldn't go. If she did… "You'll die if you go, Shepard!"

Her stance softened. He could almost see her expression behind the visor. She knew. Shepard smiled. "I know."

"No…"

"Kaidan… go." Her voice lost its previous heat. She was quiet, patient.

"No! I can't let you die!"

"Please, I have to do this," Shepard said tenderly.

"No! You can't!"

"I have to, Kaidan," her voice cracked as she spoke the words. He could tell she didn't want to leave him.

"Let me come with you."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. You can't. Not this time."

"Shepard…."

"Take care of them for me."

She immediately turned and ran off into the fire before he could stop her. The flames engulfed her body. She was writhing, dying in front of him and he couldn't save her. He watched her burn in the fiery explosion, watched as he safely floated off into space without her.

"Shepard!" Kaidan shot up, his heart pounding ferociously in his chest. He instantly put a hand to his head, the intense ache of a migraine throbbing through his skull. Wet drops slid down his face and landed on the sheets in his lap. He didn't try to stop them. In the darkness, the quiet, he broke down letting his grief overtake him.

His chest closed in on itself, compressing until he felt he couldn't even breathe. Kaidan grit his teeth against the pain, against the tears, against his grief. He choked on a sob realizing that even in the year he had known Shepard, he really didn't know that much about her. Kaidan couldn't recall her favorite food, what she liked to do for R&R, or even what she wanted to do after serving with the Alliance. They'd talked once about taking shore leave together. He'd mentioned Vancouver, and she'd simply replied that it would be nice.

Lying back, Kaidan gripped his hair in his hands. His migraine threatened to split his head open and he welcomed it, wanting the pain, wanting to just let it all end. Why didn't she let him go save Joker instead? Why her and not him? It should have been him. He wanted it to be him. Kaidan shut his eyes tight, his tears barely trickling down the sides of his temples. He didn't care to wipe them away.

Someone stirred in a cot across from him and Kaidan wiped his face, trying to regain his composure. He couldn't fall apart like this, even for Shepard. He was an Alliance soldier, an Officer even, he knew the risks. She knew the risks, he told himself. It was all part of the job. Kaidan clenched his fist. He'd never lost anyone under his command until the Normandy. Their first mission they'd lost Jenkins. Then later Ash on Virmire. And now Shepard.

He couldn't save Jenkins. Then on Virmire, Shepard chose to save him instead of Ashley. Now Shepard was gone as well. And he couldn't save her. He should have saved her. He should never have left her, never have let her go up on the bridge alone. Maybe if… Kaidan shut his eyes tight knowing that there was no way to know what would have happened. He only knew that he wished he'd have gone up there instead of her. Then at least she'd still be alive.

Kaidan awoke to another headache, his eyes puffy and swollen. He couldn't recall when he fell back asleep or how long he'd been out. Rolling over took far more energy than it should have. He tapped at his omni-tool and he squinted to make out the time. Nine thirty-three a.m. He'd slept in more than two hours past his usual service report hour. It shouldn't have surprised him that no one came to get him up for duty after the Normandy's destruction though.

Quickly, he got out of the makeshift cot and started to put on his battle casuals. He tried to ignore the empty feeling in his chest but it kept growing. A few renegade tears slipped down his cheeks and he hastily wiped them away. He had to do this. Had to get up, to keep going, had to take care of them… for her. Kaidan cleared his throat and snatched his boots, sitting on the edge of the cot so he could put them on.

_Kaidan. Go. Now._ Kaidan stopped tying his boot and gripped his hair, trying to stem the hammering in his head. His heart constricted until he thought it would stop and he felt himself shake with his sobbing before he knew he had started crying again. Kaidan collapsed, elbows on his knees and wept. _I can't_, he thought to her. _I can't do this without you_.

_You're a hell of a soldier._ She smiled. _Come on, Kaidan._

He shook his head, sucking in deep breaths of air, trying to battle the hole in his heart, the pounding in his head as he remembered her. Wasn't it just yesterday they had breakfast together? He could still see her smile, remember her voice, her scent. He could stay here, give in to his migraine. No one would bother him. Kaidan didn't feel like he could go on, didn't feel like he was anywhere near being fit for duty. He couldn't even tie his own boots.

_I need you focused, Lieutenant. _

"Shepard please," he begged out loud. "I can't…"

Silence was his answer and Kaidan grit his teeth against the pain. Shepard wouldn't want him to fall apart like this. She wouldn't want him to wallow in bed after she sacrificed herself to save them. Kaidan finished tying his boot, then put on the other one. It took a lot of effort to tighten the boot, knot the laces, but he managed.

He forced himself to stand, to go to down to the men's bathroom and wash his face. Kaidan was glad no one else was in there at the moment. His eyes were still red and a shadow of facial hair speckled his jaw and chin. His head still ached, and even after a few cold splashes of water, he still looked exhausted. He didn't look like he was in any condition to be working, but he found he needed to. Kaidan needed something to keep him occupied, to keep him from thinking about how bad he hurt inside.

The Toyko was a decently sized cruiser. Some of the crew had even managed to get some beds in the crew quarters, like Adams who had served on the ship before being transferred to the Normandy. Kaidan himself had opted for a cot in the cargo holds since there weren't enough beds for everyone. The Normandy had a smaller crew, but there were still enough of them to make an impact on the ship's capacity and supplies.

Kaidan skipped the mess, knowing in the back of his mind that he shouldn't. His migraine ached loudly in his head and he felt nauseous though he wasn't sure if that was from the headache or his grief. Maybe he should eat breakfast, but he couldn't manage to dredge up an appetite. He remembered Shepard's last meal, nothing more than a quick protein ration and a glass of water. It wasn't fair. Everything she did, all the people she saved, and she never got to take a break. She didn't even have a decent meal.

The bridge bustled with activity now that it was carrying a host of rescued soldiers. Some of the servicemen had come up here to work on something, anything, just like he was trying to do. They needed life to go on, needed something to make them feel normal, to keep their minds busy and off thinking about what had happened. It felt like a lifetime ago. Had it really been less than a day since the Normandy was attacked? Less than a day ago that Shepard had died?

He decided the bridge had an overabundance of those to help out, though he didn't see Joker anywhere up there. Strange since that's where he would expect him to be. Flying was the only thing that really made Joker happy. But then again, he'd been flying the Normandy just fifteen hours ago as it was ripped apart by some massive ship they had yet to find or even identify. Maybe flying right now was too painful, even for him.

Kaidan shuffled down to engineering. He often felt quite a home near the mass effect cores, working in the dim lighting, listening to the hum of the engines. As he walked in some lower service men stationed to the Toyko glanced over but didn't say anything. What could they say, he thought. He'd probably be silent if it were him as well. He spotted the woman who had to be their head engineer down here. It was strange to not see Adams, but he had been hurt pretty badly and was most likely stuck up in his bed or at another check up in the med-bay.

"Can I help you?" The woman asked, her dark brows pursed in concern. No doubt she didn't want the Normandy's crew getting in her way. They'd be back to Earth for a debrief within the next 18 hours as well, so really he should have just waited it out like most of the rest of the crew. He couldn't go back to the cargo bay though. He needed to keep his mind occupied.

"Staff Lieutenant Alenko," he reported. She immediately saluted him and he saluted back, mostly just a formality since he was a ranking officer even if he wasn't stationed to this particular ship. Shepard had been so casual with the way she ran the Normandy that he almost forgot about those types of proprieties. Luckily, from his years before serving with Shepard, the return salute had become somewhat instinctual. He wouldn't have thought to do it had she not initiated the salute. "Just wondering if you needed any extra help down here."

He sounded more formal than he felt, probably brought on by the engineer's salute. She was quite a bit older than he was, silver touching her dark her, wrinkles creasing around her eyes and mouth. They were the lines of a person who smiled and laughed a lot, the lines of a person who'd led a joyful life or at least who took joy in the life they had. She even had a few age spots, but the look was becoming on her. She reminded him of an endearing neighbor his parents had in Vancouver, Ellie, and he instantly felt at ease around her.

"Engineer Thompson, Lieutenant," she replied. For a moment she simply watched him, taking in his face, examining him. Kaidan felt a bit scrutinized, like the way Ellie would examine the fruits harvested from her orchard. More self-conscious than uncomfortable. He wondered if his eyes still looked a little red, if his forehead was still wrinkled with his strain to keep him mind off of Shepard… Kaidan's heart felt crushed again and he absently rubbed at his chest while waiting for Engineer Thompson to go on. "We're all in the green down here, Lieutenant. Not much to do down here."

"Please," he heard himself ask. He frowned and shut his eyes, he sounded pathetic. Thompson's gaze softened though and she turned around and quickly retrieved a data pad.

"I've got a few maintenance tests that could use running." She held the pad from him though. "But only if you're capable of performing them, Lieutenant."

"It's what I came down here for," he replied. Thompson pushed the pad into his hand and sighed before motioning over to a console.

"You can run the radial output signatures from there, but you'll have to go down into the duct to get accurate thermal regulator readings. She's a steady boat but old, so the sensors aren't always dependable up here."

Kaidan nodded, just thankful to have a task. "Thanks."

Thompson just turned back to whatever it was she was monitoring before and Kaidan set to work. For six hours he lost himself in the numbers, even double checking his results before recording them just to make sure he didn't make any mistakes. It also made his task last longer, which he didn't mind in the least. When he had to go down into the ducts it worked even better since he had to struggle to fit through the gap and take the readings.

He finished though. Thompson had left already for a meal so he dropped his results off with one of the lower service men on watch. After that he wandered back to the cargo hold. Kaidan still didn't have an appetite at all. Instead he laid down in his cot, tired, but more from emotional exhaustion than physical. He heard some of the crew chatting in a section of the hold. Someone was crying softly in another part of the room. He instantly felt a tear trace down the side of his face and he wiped it away, rolling over on his side and pinching the bridge of his nose.

_You were so decisive before, Lieutenant. What's going on now? _

Shepard… I'm-

_Shhh…. It's alright, Kaidan. Just do better by me next time._

There won't be a next time. Because you're gone.


End file.
